Twifight: A Twilight Parody
by somethingironic
Summary: Jacob is revealed to be. Well. Awesome. Edward is a failure and Bella grows a small but noticeable backbone. Read or not, but I guarantee Twihards will hate me.


::DISCLAIMER:: I don't own Twilight or any of characters (thank every higher power, I don't think I could live with myself if I'd created Bella or Edward). However, I definitely own the accurate descriptors of the characters. ;)

I wrote this thing for LA a while back, and it amused me so I decided to type it up and post it. :)

Warnings: slightly AU, will offend ANY diehard Twilighter you happen to meet. And NO lemons, yaoi, or badass anime characters. :(

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Twifight

"You mean I'm like your personal brand of heroin?" Asked the totally average, nondescript girl with whom people were falling in love left and right.

"Exactly," replied the sparkling and probably gay vampire with too much money and a penchant for staring at girls while they slept.

"Eww, creepy. Stop stalking me!" The girl backed away from the perfection of the angel-like vampire, gaining a backbone and a personality for the first time in 100 pages or so.

The bloodsucking monster looked at her with a heart-melting expression, arms outstretched pleadingly, golden eyes begging for her forgiveness. Millions of fangirls worldwide shrieked and began to hyperventilate.

Without any warning and somehow without scaring the shit out of anyone involved, an enormous russet wolf bounded into the clearing for some reason unknown. Yanking on his shorts, the shapeshifter transformed into a basketball-player-sized Native American boy. He didn't actually start shapechanging until eighty thousand pages of Bella-is-depressed into the second book, but that's a fact that's inconsequential to a parody of a supernatural, tri-species love story.

"What are you doing to Bella?!" The werewolf growled ominously at the bewildered vampire. Bella, contrary to her characterless and vampire-obsessed persona, stood next to Jacob (you know, the sexy werewolf) defiantly.

Edward Cullen was melodramatically stunned. "You're - you're TEAM JACOB?!" He gasped, looking from his stereotypically powerless girl to her awesome werewolf. "But I'm a SPARKLING VAMPIRE! And I'm PERFECT and I have a SHINY SILVER VOLVO and I'm insanely PALE and I would SUCK YOUR BLOOD IF MY FOSTER FATHER WOULDN'T TOTALLY GUILT-TRIP ME ABOUT IT!"

Bella was unimpressed. "I like then tall, tan, and minus the gay sparkles. I run with wolves."

Jacob grinned his classic wide grin, and all two Jacob fangirls alternately screamed, fainted, and yelled anti-Edward obscenities. It absolutely owned Edward's characteristic crooked smile on all counts, of course.

[Excuse me, edit: now that Taylor Lautner is Jacob Black, he has many more than two fangirls. This is mostly because the point of the book New Moon was Bella being depressed - but the point of the movie New Moon was Taylor Lautner being shirtless as much as physically possible. Sorry, I wrote this before the movie was out.]

Edward would have blanched if, you know, he actually had a beating heart and a functioning circulatory system. Medics are still unclear as to how he knocked Bella up at all. "But, Bella, we could have been so wonderful together...we were meant to be! I was meant to leave you, then try to kill myself when you were having fun cliff-jumping and I misunderstood! I should have knocked you up and then illogically saved you on your deathbed by turning you into an undead vampire! Your werewolf should then have fallen in love with your newborn daughter in a way no fangirls seemed to notice was entirely paedophilic!"

Bella looked still less impressed.

Edward hunted for his last resort. "...I have more fangirls than he does, that mangy mutt!"

Jacob cracked up, laughing hysterically. [Come to think of it, he may have been laughing because Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black is a sexy beast, whereas Robert Pattinson aka Edward Cullen has the most disgusting chest in the history of man- or vampire-kind. Hmm.] Edward lost it, leaping at the werewolf.

The insanely hot and awesome shapeshifter stepped to the side, narrowly missing the vampire's lunge. "Oh, I don't think I can take this! I mean, fighting a fangless vampire! Oooh, I'm terrified now..." Jacob mocked his attacker, laughing all the while. As Edward came around for another try, Jacob handed his shorts to Bella (I won't go into his current clothing, or lack thereof) and dramatically shapechanged while in the process of jumping at Edward.

The two relatively evenly-matched foes fought gracefully, each never quite touching the other. Insults of "mangy mutt!" and "damn bloodsucker!" flew about the meadow as they tries unsuccessfully to kill each other.

Bella popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth from a bag that had mysteriously and conveniently appeared in her lap. Sitting back against a comfortable tree, she enjoyed the view of the fight for a moment. The idiot who had suddenly managed to gain a personality then flipped open the classy cell phone Edward had bought her with his fancy credit card. She dialed the first number on her speed dial.

"So, Eric, asked anyone to prom yet?" She listened to the phone for a minute. "You should go with me...what? Yes, I'm asking you to prom." Squeals could be heard from Forks. "What about Edward and Jacob?" Incredulously, Bella repeated what Eric had said, and she laughed.

"I prefer my men human, thanks."

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This was really fun to write... :D take that, Twihards! R&R? :)


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